I suppose I should write in more of an update format, at some points on our journey. I say ‘our’ because I have now been married for almost one month. It is scary how quickly time goes by. Anyway, today, my beloved husband is at work, and I am at home, and for the first time in MONTHS, I am by myself, sitting on my couch, trying to write. In front of me is an empty coffee cup and Thomas Merton’s The Seven Storey Mountain. I started reading, then started writing, then drank some coffee, and then tried to pray, all in various orders, most to no avail. (or at least, that’s what I think- which is mostly always wrong, or skewed, in some form or fashion.) So…. Anyway, we moved into Birchcroft, and our apartment is looking more and more like our home, and less like a storage facility, as of today. Because yesterday, the apartment complex was coming to roach-kill, and we had to remove everything that was finally placed in its proper place, out of its proper place, so they could kill roaches. Which is a very, very good thing (considering I was putting on my shoes the other week and a huge roach crawled out of it, and then I spent five minutes trying to chase it along the walls before I finally crushed it (sorry) and blood went everywhere. Pleasant.) I digress. We are finally moved in. It feels like home. And yet, I am left with a resounding question. “Lord, what are we doing here? What am I doing here?” We didn’t really come with a plan. And I know the Lord has a plan. I hope, hope, hope, (I know) He does. Because its one of those things, like marriage, like life, like any leap into unknown waters, if He doesn’t have a plan, we sure as heck don’t. I sure as freaking heck don’t. I can’t come up with anything creative enough, I don’t have the resources, and while I have ideas and things to do, it seems like I am at some sort of inexplicable standstill, waiting, for something. This may all seem pretty vague to you, and that’s only because it is pretty vague to me.
Its funny because people say, and I said, “we want to do MINISTRYYYYYYY.” Well that’s great, because you know what? MINISTRY is usually very low key and behind the scenes, and dare I say, not so sexy? And we are ALL called to DO ministry, and so its not really all that special and unique, it’s the Lord who makes it special and beautiful and unique, because that’s what He created all of us to do in the first place. And you know what MINISTRY looks like most of the time? Hanging out with people. And you know what? That can be really hard sometimes. Because there is no quick fix for people. For people who are broken and marginalized and oppressed. Or for people who are wealthy, and hurting, and supposedly don’t “need” anything. There is no quick fix for me. For any of us. So building relationships, and keeping them well, is no easy thing. Throw in a language barrier, and it can be rather overwhelming. [end of rant] And so I ask myself, “What exactly do you mean when you say you are called to do ministry?” And then I answer myself, “What everyone is called to do. Love God and love others.” And I think there is a reason why it sounds so simple. Because its so difficult. And so easy. So natural, and unnatural. Its so rewarding. And so not. Its so selfless. And can be so selfish. Its fulfilling and exhausting, its beautiful and messy. And so I am beginning to think that this word, “ministry” is not a calling only some have, or something people do but something that everyone is – and that it is supposed to look so much like Jesus. (I know I am making some deep discoveries here 
) The not flashy, not rushed, not stressed out Jesus. It looks like the Jesus who takes his time with people, who isn’t in it for the result, but just for the person. It looks like the Jesus who is not pre-occupied with what title he has, what his next big venture is going to be, or what people thought of the “job” he did, after it was all said and done. It looks like the Jesus who is captivated by the moment, yet so assured of the future. It looks like the Jesus who laughs and eats and shares willingly. I have a lot to learn.
